writing

20 (ish) People Who Are More Popular than Donald Trump in Upstate New York

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Donald Trump, 2013. Photo by Gage Skidmore.

If you haven’t heard, Donald Trump is running for President of the United States of America. Too much has happened for me to summarize it here, but it’s been an interesting election cycle. Neither party has a definite winner, with the Republic race particularly divided. For the first time in decades, voters in New York have a meaningful opportunity to support their candidates in the primary election on April 19. This, of course, means that people are paying attention to our state.

 

Months ago, Ted Cruz criticized “New York values,” and Trump, always good for a sound bite, recently claimed that he is “like the most popular person that’s ever lived, virtually” (CNN, February 21) in Upstate New York. As a lifelong resident and proud Rochesterian, I am confident in saying that he is incorrect. Here are a lot of people who are more popular.

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It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia: Sweet Dee Gets Deported

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Below is an excerpt from my first completed spec script. If anyone from Sunny sees it, I will accept payment in the form of a signed script or poster. Read the complete script here.

CHARLIE AND FRANK'S APARTMENT. DAY. CHARLIE ENTERS. FRANK
IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, TALKING ON THE PHONE.
FRANK
And muchos grazzias to you, too.
Frank hangs up the phone.
CHARLIE
What's going on? You're talking
Spanish now?
FRANK
I found a new investment, I was
talking to my new employee.
CHARLIE
What kind of investment, dude?
FRANK
Tacos. Everyone loves tacos, and
Mexicans love making them. I
figured - why not get in on some
of that?
CHARLIE
Yeah, that's smart. So, like, a
Mexican guy is gonna come here and
make us tacos, or –
FRANK
No, no. Taco carts. I stopped for
a quick bite on my way home from
lunch and met this guy named
Pancho selling tacos. I loaned him
some money, and his kids are going
to start selling tacos in other
neighborhoods.
CHARLIE
You're going to have kids working
for you?
FRANK
They're forty years old. Adults,
working for their father's
business selling addictive,
unhealthy garbage. A couple of
losers.
CHARLIE
All this talk is making me hungry.
You wanna get something to eat?

Creative Writing in Customer Support

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I recently ordered a set of Pyrex dishes from the good people at Woot. Unfortunately, one of them arrived broken. Knowing Woot appreciates creative writing, this was my note to them.

That morning was hard for me. When I woke up, she was gone, leaving no note, no explanation, just emptiness. As I dragged myself to the kitchen, hoping to pack a lunch to sustain myself throughout the meaningless day without her ahead, I discovered that she had left me in a position worse than I had imagined. As I scooped the sad, cold linguine with red sauce from its couple-sized container, I looked about the kitchen for a heartbroken loner-sized glass dish… but found that as she fled the house, our house, she had taken only her clothes and our collection of Pyrex dishes. How was I to go on living? The red sauce would stain our… my, rather, plastic storage containers, and without the durability and heat-resistance of Pyrex, every heaving sob would put the remains of our last meal together in jeopardy.

How fortunate I was to find a fine collection of dishes available for such a reasonable price. I eagerly ordered, hoping to fill my now-empty cabinet with a cheery collection of colorful lids and strong glass bowls. After days of anticipation, the sight of the package on my doorstep elicited emotions stronger than I’ve felt since she left. As I eagerly rushed to pick it up, my elation was quickly replaced with dread. As I tipped the box to its side, wave crashed against its inner wall like a great wave crashing against a seaside cliff. I trudged up the stairs to my home, fighting back tears, reminded of how quickly those we love can come into, and once again leave our lives. I gingerly placed the box on my dining room table, and peered inside. Like a mother dog, the postal service had delivered nine precious, delicate babes to my doorstep, but sadly, one had not survived.

I turned to Pyrex to provide me strength in my time of weakness, but I never thought it would inspire me to find the strength within myself.

This is my story, primates of Woot. I hope you will find it in your hearts to help me in my time of need.

 

FESTIVAL REPORT: Wizarding Weekend, Ithaca, NY

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Though the world has already fallen into a Star Wars frenzy, the streets of Ithaca, NY, are filled with the sounds of a different John Williams soundtrack this Halloween. In this Finger Lakes college town, scarves may be all-season attire, but today, most of them are red and gold stripes (I’ve been crossing the street when someone is wearing green and silver). Today, this is home of Wizarding Weekend, a fan-created street festival celebrating all things Harry Potter. Fans from all over New York (and likely further) have descended on downtown Ithaca, many in elaborate costumes, for their chance to experience a little bit of Britain right here in central New York.

The day starts off with our Muggle version of Quidditch. The event here varies slightly from the version played on college campuses all over, with each team’s Seeker perched on the back of a motorbike, driven by a teammate. The action is fast, though with the players remaining firmly on the ground, the danger is greatly reduced. The crowd for the day’s first game lined the streets and surrounded the parking lot converted to Quidditch pitch. That shouldn’t be a surprise, though, as this game featured fierce rivals Gryffindor and Slytherin. After a few quick  goals by both teams, the Golden Snitch was introduced to the pitch. The players mixed game play with theatrics, reenacting scenes from the first game described in the series. While the commentary may not have had the magnitude of Lee Jordan, it was a great help for the fans more inclined to read than follow sports. After a tough match, Gryffindor came out the victor, 210-50.

Walking along Ithaca’s streets, many local businesses, from the candy shop to the bank, replaced their signs to fit the festival’s theme. Harry Potter clothing and accessories line the shelves, while regular products have new, magical, names. Even the sci-fi food truck switched their menu from Spock to Snape.
The main gathering area, a repurposed parking lot, is home to a Ford Anglia, of the non-magical variety, and a huge basilisk made of balloons. Each of Hogwarts’ houses has their own common room, and visitors help their house earn points through the Horcrux Hunt by visiting seven different sites around town. There was no shortage of butterbeer, and plenty of variation. Hot or cold, thick or thin, alcoholic or not, I sampled almost all of it.

Unlike the conventions I have visited around North America, the attractions here are mostly free or inexpensive. Hand-written, personal Hogwarts acceptance letters attached a line stretching an entire city block, with the lines for State Theater’s showing off all right movies was not much shorter. Much like Harrys experience in the real Diagon Alley, each street revealed a new surprise. I have walked thousands of streets in cities big and small, but never stumbled into a life-size game of Wizard’s Chess before today. Never have I believe in magic more than after seeing a German man balance a bowling ball on a pool cute in his chin, while hula hooping.

Fan reaction was as strong here on the chilly sheets of Ithaca as the convention halls of San Diego or New York. Let’s hope that the festival’s second year is as eventual as (though less dangerous than) Harry’s.

IMG_2284Costume Tally:

Hagrid – 2

Professor Trelawney – 5

Moaning Myrtle coming out of a toilet – not nearly enough

Seinfeld and Tinder? Swipe Right on This Match | Popculturology

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Jerry, 36

As a recently-single man in my mid-20s, I have started using Tinder. I downloaded the app, with its little flame icon, out of curiosity. I was not trying to meet anyone, but after hearing stories — both successes and stupendous, hilarious failures — about the people being met, I felt it was time to get in on some of the action for myself. Around the same time, I also started re-watching Seinfeld on Hulu. Episode-by-episode and swipe-by-swipe, connections were being made between the classic series and my experiences. While I started this journey into left and right swipes out of hesitant curiosity, these past two weeks have changed my attitude. Tinder’s role in my life has changed. I want a perfect Tinder encounter the way a shorter, stockier, balder man wants to use a perfect comeback line. I am obsessed.

On Seinfeld, Jerry is known for breaking up with women and rejecting non-romantic acquaintances for petty, minute reasons. There is perhaps no better way to describe how Tinder works. Whereas Jerry ended relationships because women liked Dockers commercials, having “man hands” and being a “low talker,” I have rejected women — likely perfectly nice women — because they seem too invested in sports, misspell words (or use only emoji) in their profile and use low-resolution photos. In my case, I swipe left (that’s the bad direction) on about 70 percent of women based solely on the very limited profiles they provide. If I were meeting these people in the wild, Jerry’s claim that 95 percent of the population is undateable would likely prove correct.

George, of course, fares far worse than Jerry does. While Jerry rejects women on a near-weekly basis, George struggles to attract them at all. Tinder’s entire platform is based on matching. You swipe right on them, they swipe right on you, and the app lets you message each other. If one person swipes right and the other swipes left, though, you’re left with nothing. Nothing, Jerry! So far, my matches have been very limited. As the wise Mr. Constanza states, “When I like them, they don’t like me. When they like me, I don’t like them.” It is not uncommon to swipe right on someone who seems great and just wait. How can she not like me? I’m a very likable person. But the days go by and no notification comes in and I move on. A desperate man may choose to do the opposite of everything they would normally do, but, for now, I do not.

Then the self-doubt starts to creep in. If the gym photo guys can get matches (“Go home to your dumbbells. Work on your pecs. I’m really impressed.”), why not me? Unlike our good friend Elaine, there is no smelly car to blame when I start to question if I am as attractive as I think I am. Occasionally, a match comes in. You’re excited — this is a person who you think might be nice and who apparently thinks you might be nice too. A little confidence gets you to send the first message, and you wait. And wait. And wait. Days go by, and no response comes in. Why join, why swipe, if you’re not going to talk to anyone?

Finally, you have the wild card. The girl whose profile is blank or it has so much information you can’t understand it. Her photos are either group shots or extreme closeups of her eye. The Kramer. They are pods. They say whatever they’re thinking, with no regard for how the humans might perceive them. They’re out there, and they’re loving every minute of it. But after swiping through people who take themselves too seriously, someone a little weird, a little “Cosmic,” is as refreshing as a Junior Mint in an operating theater.

After all this, I’m not sure how much longer I will use Tinder. Maybe I’ll meet my Jeannie, my Susan or my Puddy and not need it anymore. I went into this experience out of curiosity, not desire, but now I am deeply invested. To borrow a phrase from a Seinfeld universe art collector, Tinder is “a loathsome, offensive brute, and yet I can’t look away.”

GeorgeElaineKramer

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Hey Buddy: Popping in at Jerry Seinfeld’s Apartment | Popculturology.com

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Photo Jun 27, 2 52 18 PM

Photo by Eric Stevens

If you have been living in some sort of time warp, trapped in 1998, you don’t know that Hulu recently paid a lot of money for exclusive streaming rights to everyone’s favorite show about nothing: Seinfeld. Longtime fans and first-time viewers have been able to watch since this past Wednesday, June 24, a date that also saw Hulu welcoming the public to their own recreation of Jerry’s iconic apartment here in New York.

On West 14th Street, 67 blocks from Jerry’s fictional Upper West Side address, fans are treated to the full Seinfeld experience. For those of us who do not live in New York and couldn’t be here on weekdays, much of our time was spent in line. The line wrapped one block three times, and a second line formed the next block over. The weather was in our favor for a long time but eventually gave way to a light rain with nary an umbrella twirler in sight.

Once inside, the experience splits in two. To the right is a collection of props from the series, including the booth from Monk’s and George’s Frogger machine. Here is also the opportunity to shoot a George Constanza-style boudoir photo and try your hand at standup comedy. To the left is our main attraction, the apartment itself. There is only one way in — bursting through the door like Cosmo Kramer.

For most, if not all, it is the only chance to see this television icon (even as a replica), and, for just a few minutes, feel like you’ve come home.

Stepping inside is like stepping into your television. The apartment, carefully researched, and refined over the past few days after fans pointed out a few errors, is an almost perfect replica of 5A, a set I studied for hours in preparation for LEGO Seinfeld. The designers got small things right, such as Jerry’s movie shelf including Nintendo games as well as movies. Though the apartment changed over the course of the series, the essence is intact in this recreation. Hulu did leave out one important detail, which may be the most important of them all: Not once did I see anyone exercising the gaskets in Jerry’s toilet.

The time spent inside seems like nothing after the four-hour wait to get in, but for a Seinfeld fan, a lover of pop culture or a historian (because Seinfeld is a part of history), it was well worth the wait.

Fans came from all around. I traveled from Rochester, New York, (my travel expenses can be a write-off), while those around me in line came from as close as Jersey City and as far as Toronto. Fans were of all ages, as well, thanks to the timelessness of the series’ situational and social conflicts.

I spoke to two young fans, Tyler and TJ from New Jersey, 10 and 8. They watch Seinfeld with their dad, and despite being born seven and nine years after the series ended are big fans. TJ’s weirdest moment is the presumed death of George, when his car is in the Yankees’ parking lot but George is nowhere to be seen. Tyler has different priorities, choosing Sue-Ellen Mischke’s choice of apparel as his weirdest moment. The differences between the world they are growing up in and New York in the 90s don’t matter to them.

Visitors to the Seinfeld experience were all thrilled to here. For most, if not all, it is the only chance to see this television icon (even as a replica), and, for just a few minutes, feel like you’ve come home.

Hulu’s Seinfeld apartment and experience will open for the last time at 10:00 Sunday morning at 14th Street and 10th Avenue in New York. Arrive early to beat the crowd.

Read at Popculturology

My Afternoon at CBS: Filming THE PRICE IS RIGHT | Popculturology.com

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The Price Is Right, the long-running television favorite of retired people, sick (or faking) school kids and college students with carefully-planned schedules, airs every weekday and combines the thrill of winning great prizes with helpful information about reverse mortgages. If you watched yesterday’s episode, it adds one more exciting element — you will get a glimpse of my face. No, I did not win. No, I didn’t even make it to Contestants’ Row, but I did have the privilege of breathing the same oxygen as the great Drew Carey.

Getting tickets to the show is easy. I’ve seen plenty of articles claiming you have to get there very early in the morning and wait in line for a chance of getting in, but the much smarter option is to request tickets online. If you register early enough (I registered about five weeks in advance), you’re guaranteed admission as long as you arrive on time. For the afternoon taping, we were required to arrive by noon. Once through the gate, we were given cards with our contestant numbers. If you’re waiting in line, try to avoid standing next to someone that annoys you, because the producers make sure you stay in the correct order until the moment you enter the studio.

Now you’re inside, and you’re excited. A CBS page comes down the line, passing out release forms, followed by another page — who has been specially selected based on handwriting skills — to give you your iconic yellow name tag. Unfortunately, this is where you find out what is in store for you. To one side is a CBS gift shop, with souvenirs from the shows that film in that studio. The other side is a food stand, whose staff will repeatedly shout that you have about six hours to go.
After about an hour of waiting here, the line starts moving. Each person has an individual picture taken (I later figured out that these photos are to help the producers find the contestants in the audience), then a group picture with your friends or family in front of a green screen. Around a corner is another line of benches … where you wait some more. After quite a while — two hours, maybe — 20 people are taken from the line to talk to the producers. Most people get one question (“What do you do?”), and the line moves on.

Around another corner we get to stand in the sun for a little while, watching the crew come back from their buy-one-get-one lunches at Macaroni Grill next door. A few audience members were excited to get a glimpse of a soap opera star, but I was more distracted with the bees living in the flowers next to us. After a short wait, we had to check our phones. The remainder of our time was spent phoneless, forcing us to make conversation. Fortunately, the overhead televisions soon started playing an older episode of the show. Another food stand was available here. For low, low prices*, you could refuel before the hour-long clap-fest you were about to endure. The overhead episode was cut short to show an informational video hosted by George Gray about the dos and don’ts of The Price Is Right. Unfortunately, it ran on a loop for the next hour, until the doors finally opened to the main attraction.

The studio itself is tiny. There are a total of about 300 people in the audience. The stage, which appears to be very large on TV, is actually not. Clever set arrangements and close camera angles keep the illusion going for the home audience, but there are many parts of the show that the studio audience simply can’t see. Enthusiasm is kept up by a man named Matt, constantly encouraging the audience to applaud. The stage is reset during commercial breaks, where the audience is treated to the comedy styling of the host. Drew Carey makes a great effort to connect with audience members, and it helps to relieve some of the tension from an afternoon worth of waiting. The show itself goes by quickly. It is 44 minutes at broadcast, and takes a little more than an hour to shoot.

Overall, it’s an exciting, if long, experience. If you live in Los Angeles and have nothing better to do, it’s a slight chance of making some money or winning prizes. If you’re just visiting, it does take up a fair amount of your time, but might still be worth it. As a television lover, it was an easy choice.

“My” episode filmed on April 15 and aired on June 10. If you see us in repeat (or want to find it on YouTube), you can find me a few rows back at stage left.

*Prices were not very low.

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Good-Bye, Neighborino: Harry Shearer Leaves The Simpsons | Popculturology.com

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Good-Bye, Neighborino: Harry Shearer Leaves THE SIMPSONS

The news from Springfield today is certainly not “excellent.” Harry Shearer is leaving The Simpsons. On Twitter, Shearer quoted The Simpsons executive producer James L. Brooks’ lawyer as his reason for not resigning for the 27th season and beyond.
Shearer’s list of characters is extensive, notably including Simpson family neighbor Ned Flanders. Ned has been attached to two previous cast departures: his wife, Maude, was killed after actor Maggie Roswell left the series (though the character was briefly recast), and his second wife, Springfield Elementary teacher Edna Krabappel, was retired with an off-screen death following the death of actor Marcia Wallace.

Other recurring characters include Mr. Burns, owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, as well as his assistant, Waylon Smithers; Dr. Hibbert;, Homer’s drinking buddy Lenny Leonard; newsman Kent Brockman; Principal Seymour Skinner; police officer Eddie; music teacher Mr. Largo; bus driver Otto Mann; and Reverend Lovejoy. Shearer has voiced dozens of other one-time characters and celebrity impressions.

Losing these characters — and in one fell swoop, no less — would leave the series crippled. These supporting characters have been integral to the series since the first season. Some will continue to appear on show, and will be “recast with the finest voiceover talent available,” according to executive producer Al Jean.
“Harry Shearer was offered the same deal the rest of the cast accepted and passed. We wish him well but the show will go on. Maggie took it hard,” Jean told Hitfix. “Yes, Burns and Flanders will not die. They are great characters and will continue.”

There have been rumors of castmembers leaving for many years, some with more credibility than others. After twenty six seasons, it is surprising that there have not been more cast departures.

The Simpsons’ 26th season finale airs this Sunday on Fox.

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David Letterman: Not Just Another Late-Night Goodbye (Unpublished)

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David Letterman signs off from his final Late Show at 12:30 on May 20, ending a 33-year run on late-night television. In that time, we have seen national tragedies, natural disasters, and had two practice rounds saying goodbye to a network late-night host, thanks to Jay Leno.

Although I am too young to have ever actually watched The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson during its run, and by extension Dave’s original run on Late Night, I somehow found myself taking a side in the late night wars that were long over by the time I had formed an opinion. Leno was the Claudius to Johnny’s throne, and Dave was the young Prince Hamlet.

For a time, I was devoted to David Letterman’s Late Show, staying up late with the volume turned low on my TV every night. To a teenaged comedy sponge, this was the show to watch. I was quick to learn the running jokes. I knew that the phone on his desk wasn’t plugged into anything, but I was always excited to see who might call each night. I looked forward to seeing what pies his mom baked every Thanksgiving, what interesting wig Bruce Willis would wear, and what animal Jack Hanna would bring to pee on Dave.

I have stood on 53rd Street, just outside the back entrance to the Ed Sullivan Theater, on two occasions. (I never managed to get tickets). I got a glimpse of Paul Schaffer one time. The other time I watched the entire Purina Incredible Dog Challenge and saw Will Ferrel’s hand. Just a few weeks later, Paul McCartney would stand on top of the theater’s marquee, stopping Broadway traffic for blocks.

David Letterman was like having a spare father who made fun of famous people. He introduced me to the magic of New York, truly the greatest city in the world. I was introduced to legends of comedy and watched them bomb. I saw politicians rise and fall. I saw a lot of Richard Simmons’ legs.

I have long considered myself a student of comedy, and have David Letterman to thank for the intro courses. When I hosted my college radio show, I tried to match his style and tone, and on occasion some of his material might have leaked in with my own. Even today, I find myself flipping pens and pencils, just like Dave.

The final episode of The Late Show with David Letterman is nearer now than it was when I started writing, but I am no more ready for it. I am afraid that in the noise of late night hosts leaving their shows, Dave is just one more name on a list, when he deserves the same celebration that Johnny Carson received over twenty years ago. I know that Stephen Colbert will soon be taking over the Late Show desk, but I am afraid, more than anything else, that no one will be able to excite me the way that Dave has for a majority of my life.

Thank you, Mr. Letterman, and say hello to Oprah for me.

STAR WARS Celebration: Droid Tales and Baseballs | Popculturology.com (Unpublished)

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Anthony Daniels. Photo by Eric Stevens.

Anthony Daniels. Photo by Eric Stevens.

Despite the water shortage here in Southern California, I am pleased to report that most people I have encountered seem to have showered between yesterday and today. So far, day two of Star Wars Celebration Anaheim is off to a good start. After an early swing through the LEGO Play Area (to assert my dominance as a LEGO builder) (to pick up the second set of posters and free mini-build), it was back to the autograph hall.

Anthony Daniels, the man who has been inside C-3PO for nearly four decades, was in a surprisingly good mood, but the big surprise of the morning was the literal marriage of sci-fi and sport. Ashley Eckstein, better known as Ahsoka Tano, star of The Clone Wars, was escorted by her husband, World Series MVP David Eckstein.

Always eager to learn something new about the movies I love, the next stop was the Secrets of the Mos Eisley Cantina panel. Over the course of 39 years, Star Wars scholars have managed to give a name to each actor who appeared in the iconic scene, which was filmed on sets in England and in California. One lucky audience member had the chance to name one of the cantina patrons who survived a quarter-century of Expanded Universe novels without an identity.

Speaking of the Mos Eisley cantina, which seems to be a recurring theme of my week so far, it was packed this afternoon, with alien and human patrons celebrating… something. Maybe it’s the newest LEGO Star Wars TV series, Droid Tales. This new mini-series, premiering in July on Disney XD, follows the adventures of R2-D2 and C-3PO through the timeline of Episodes I-VI, and the comedy antics that made two unsuspecting droids the greatest heroes the galaxy has ever known.

Five episodes cover the events of each movie, as well as parts of The Clone Wars and Rebels, and are littered with happenings that took place off-camera. I won’t say the writers are pandering to adult fans, since it is meant for children, but I watched Jar Jar Binks die twice in the five minutes of clips we saw here today. I’m not sure if this series was announced here in Anaheim, but the first I heard of it was yesterday, when it was featured on the back of the LEGO Star Wars posters.

I had one more encounter with Dave Filoni, but a dry marker and eager chauffeur left me without an autograph yet again.

Costume Tally

Boba Fett – 6

Wolverine/Boba Fett mashup – 1