Seinfeld: The Smarties (scene)

A short scene from an episode of Seinfeld that should be called “The Smarties.”

I may return to write the entire episode.

Credit to Reddit users 1BLOPI and UnsubstantiatedClaim for the prompt.

Background: George has found a vending machine that only accepts Canadian currency. After a few days of exchange rate abuse, the company begins stocking it with Canadian items.
Jerry’s apartment. George and Jerry are standing around the counter.
Elaine enters.
ELAINE
George. That Canadian vending machine – does it have Smarties?
GEORGE
Well it wouldn’t be very Smartie if it didn’t.
Jerry gives George a look of disgust.
ELAINE
I need you to get me some. I love them.
GEORGE
Yeah, sure. How many?
ELAINE
Here’s a twenty.
HALLWAY WITH VENDING MACINE.
George looks at the machine. It only has pictures, not a window to see the candy.
GEORGE
$1 per pack? <George snorts> Yeah, right.
GEORGE IS SEEN IN A STORE BUYING A LARGE BOX OF SMARTIES. THE TOTAL IS $22.
LATER. MONK’S. JERRY AND ELAINE ARE IN THE BOOTH.
George enters carrying a brown paper bag. He drops it in front of Elaine and sits next to Jerry.
GEORGE
You owe me $2.
Elaine opens the bag and pulls out one package.
ELAINE
What’s this?
GEORGE
Smarties.
ELAINE
No, they’re not.
GEORGE
Yes, they are. See? “Smarties.”
ELAINE
I asked for Canadian Smarties. These are just American Smarties.
GEORGE
What’s the difference?
JERRY
Oh boy…
ELAINE
What’s the difference?
GEORGE
There’s barely a difference between the countries, how much difference is there in the candy?
ELAINE
A huge difference! The Canadian Smarties are chocolate. The American kind are just… chalk. Give me my twenty.
GEORGE
Give you the twenty? You asked for Smarties, you got Smarties.
ELAINE
Well I’m not taking them. You keep them.
GEORGE
Me keep them? What am I supposed to do with them?
ELAINE
Go draw on the sidewalk.
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Too Late Television: A Short Review of THE PEOPLE V. OJ SIMPSON

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“We are Kardashians. And in this family, being a good person and a loyal friend is more important than being famous. Fame is fleeting; it’s hollow. It means nothing at all without a virtuous heart.”

Perhaps the funniest, intentionally unintentional, not-funny line in the history of television, it provides a brief pause from the drama. The People v. OJ Simpson has been on FX for over a month, but tonight, I decided to give it a try. I am old enough to remember the trial, but not so old that I understood it. OJ is unlike any other crime drama I’ve seen. CSI has its cheese. The Killing had a darkness. OJ is the opposite of every other show, because we have known the ending for twenty years.

Three episodes in, Cuba Gooding, Jr., despite his head size, plays an OJ Simpson that we sympathize with. We feel his pain, we understand his hurt. But in the back of our minds, we know that this is the man who has all but admitted to the crime. David Schwimmer comes across much the same way. As Robert Kardashian, he is torn apart watching his friend spiral, never sure if he is guilty or not. Meanwhile, he plays father to his children, whose names today are plastered on everything but credit cards. John Travolta is horrible, in the best possible way, as Bob Shapiro.

A wedge is driven in my brain while watching. I am angry that Shapiro neglects his client, trying to save his own reputation. On the other side, Johnny Cochran, played by Courtney B. Vance, comes across as a sympathetic, almost altruistic figure. An hour into the series, I cannot wait for Cochran to take over the defense. (Is it a spoiler, two decades after the fact?)

The prosecution, lead by Sara Paulson’s Marcia Clark, is the antagonist, if you can call a man who has allegedly murdered two people a protagonist. On one hand, they are made out as cocksure and arrogant, and the other shows them, and the Los Angeles Police Department, as stumbling and incompetent.

Unexpected additions to the cast include Malcolm-Jamal Warner and Nathan Lane, far from the comedies that made them famous. For a few more weeks, watch this drama unfold, for a second time, Tuesdays at 10, and catch up through FX NOW. Join me next week, when I review another show everyone but me has already seen.

20 (ish) People Who Are More Popular than Donald Trump in Upstate New York

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Donald Trump, 2013. Photo by Gage Skidmore.

If you haven’t heard, Donald Trump is running for President of the United States of America. Too much has happened for me to summarize it here, but it’s been an interesting election cycle. Neither party has a definite winner, with the Republic race particularly divided. For the first time in decades, voters in New York have a meaningful opportunity to support their candidates in the primary election on April 19. This, of course, means that people are paying attention to our state.

 

Months ago, Ted Cruz criticized “New York values,” and Trump, always good for a sound bite, recently claimed that he is “like the most popular person that’s ever lived, virtually” (CNN, February 21) in Upstate New York. As a lifelong resident and proud Rochesterian, I am confident in saying that he is incorrect. Here are a lot of people who are more popular.

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